never know
by miriya v
Summary: In the final moments after Sin's defeat, Braska looks back on his life with his first guardian. [seinen-ai, lyric wheel challenge]


[somewhere, where the orchids grow] -never know. 

  
  
  
  
_La - li - ho!_   
  
*coughs* gomen. Too much gravitation. ^_^;; Um...what I was saying...   
  
(sorry, sorry, VERY tired...)   
  
Ah, yes. This is my lyric wheel fic. Yay. I dunno whether to be pleased about it or growl and throw it into the recycle bin. But I'm posting it before I go to sleep, wake up, and realize what to do with it. ^_^;;   
  
I'm so exhausted now, I'm um...having trouble seeing the screen right. ^_^;; Hence the sucky title.   
  
fun with disclaimer: not mine. *whine*  
warning: um...deathficcy. Braska/Auron pairing...kinda sad fic. Set right after Braska defeats sin...yay. Angst, all that good ish.   
  
And, um... Here it is.   
  
  
  
never know  
a ffx fic by miriya valentine   
  
- - -   
  
i'll say it loud, here by your grave  
the angels can't /ever/ take my place   
  
- - -   
  
"Oh, Yevon . . . please don't go. . ."   
  
  
_For all this..._   
  
I don't know if it's right that I should say I'm sorry. Because...as much as I've loved you, I can't say that I regret this.   
  
And he -- even when he was screaming, screaming and writhing within the bindings of her ghastly sorcery -- I felt him speaking to me. When I carried him in my heart, he whispered and smiled and told me he wanted me to protect you. That we would protect you.   
  
These thoughts are losing clarity now, and what I think I wanted to say was . . . I'm sorry for hurting you this way. Yes . . . I think that's it, but the words seem strange and distorted coming from my own lips. Am I still speaking? I'm not sure, anymore. I feel so heavy: it won't be long, now.   
  
  
"Please don't leave me . . ."   
  
  
I just wanted to keep you safe. It's how I know this is worth it. Even though you're crying, even though you think this is for nothing, it's what I want. I only hope that you'll understand, someday. It's what we both wanted, so don't cry. Not for us.   
  
I . . . I used to have this dream, for as long as I can remember. I stood at the ocean with bare feet, watching the tide come and go. The sunrise held the brilliance of a spell -- plum and marigold mingled and spread, casting a thousand different hues against the mirror of water, reflecting the slivered moon in breath-stirred ripples.   
  
It was beautiful.   
  
Then, the water changed. It stopped being gentle, and began to rush and roar, fat tides smacking against the sand with the force of an aeon's wings. I thought I would drown, the water was so fierce . . . it pulled me under, and I knew that I would die. And I knew that I could stop it. I saw the village, a thousand people standing in the water with their hands held high, screaming for mercy: praying for Calm that I wanted so badly to give to them. They were crying, and the sound filled my ears like the water in my lungs.   
  
And then they were gone, swallowed up by silence.   
  
  
"Braska . . . Braska, damn you, open your eyes!"   
  
  
You know I've never been able to see people hurt, no matter who they are. That dream haunted me for years -- even to this day I can still hear the shrieks and the moans and, whispering over it all, the Hymn like a funeral dirge. It never sounded so terrible.   
  
When I met you, I hadn't had that dream for a few months. Not that it really mattered (_Yevon, did it ever really matter? I can't really remember . . ._), but there was something -- /about/ you. What was it about you, really? Just another monk trainee from the villages, looking lost and uncertain in the huge city of Bevelle.   
  
I laughed when you talked to me, pleasantly amused by your simplicity . . . but I never turned you away.   
  
_Was that why you've stayed with me all this time?_   
  
I feel so silly, now -- I'm dying just like those who came before me: I shouldn't be thinking about the past. I'm still here, I've got so much, yet, to tell you . . . if I can just . . . open my eyes . . .   
  
That night . . . I had that dream again.   
  
I'm glad we were paired up in the dormitory; I'd never felt comfortable with the others from Bevelle, but then, I'd never felt at home there -- it is a grand city, but a place full of treachery and schemes, and I've always prefered honesty. Maybe that's what I saw in you -- you were honest, so unlike the others. It wasn't until later that I truly understood who you were.   
  
That night, I dreamed of you, broken: blood against the golden sand, you were taken from me, too, and I didn't know how to stop it, though I knew I could.   
  
I woke up crying, and swore that it would never come true. I couldn't lose you. I wouldn't.   
  
_. . . And . . ._   
  
  
"Braska . . . don't die, don't you leave me . . . answer me, please . . ."   
  
  
_I was right, wasn't I?_ You'll be safe, now.   
  
Funny -- It feels almost like I'm floating -- your arms are the only things holding me down. I'd stay here if I could, but there's something missing inside and it's hard to breathe. It's cold now: it feels like it's raining and you'll never know how much you meant to me. I'd cry with you -- maybe I am. It's so hard to tell . . .   
  
Death, it never made much sense to me until now; I guess this is it. Ne, Auron?   
  
  
"Braska!"   
  
  
I can't feel you anymore . . . you'll stay safe, won't you? Find his Zanarkand, and guard his son. Those infinite possibilities that you spoke of; they wait for you where I cannot.   
  
. . . If you only remember one thing, remember that I love you. And . . . thank you, for everything.   
  
  
". . . No . . . please, no . . ."   
  
  
And there's no reply.   
  
- - -   
  
i can't find those church bells  
that played when you died -  
they played /gloria . . ./  
- tori amos   
  
- - -   
  
- owari -   
  
song used : no reply, sung by steve conte; from Knockin' on Heaven's Door OST [cowboy bebop]  
inspiration: playboy mommy, tori amos *cry!*   
  
So...um. I guess that was it. Yay for Miri, she beat the deadline. ^^;; Sorry for the lack of innovation, but as we've heard so many times before -- it were late, and I were tired. VERY tired. ;_; Sorry for putting you through that, especially since I received such a frickin' awesome song to work with. ^____^ The lyrics -- I'd popped another plot bunny before I'd read the third verse. ^^;; Sorry that it didn't come out so well. e.e;;   
  
I always wanted to do the Braska deathscene -- There were a lot more melodramatic things that I could have done, but an internal monologue seemed appropriate (with Auron crying in the background, of course. Poor kid. I feel like such a goober.) Has anyone else noticed how hard it is to finish something like that -- that person's dying thought? Argh. Hope I didn't such MUCHLY. I /did/ try, even if it was an insomnia-spouted try.   
  
Next time, it'll be better, I promise.   
  
...That said, here's the lyrics. Aren't they the greatest?   
  
-No Reply-   
  
Like the perfect ending  
It won't be too long  
Till everything I've ruined has seen me gone  
In time, I pray you'll forgive  
Now you know the man I am  
Can you forgive me?  
  
I fall  
Like the sands of time  
Like some broken rhyme  
At feet no longer there  
  
If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away  
the pain you feel  
I would  
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth  
could be  
For that, I say thank you  
This was my life  
It never made much sense to me  
  
With every lie that I lived  
Part of me would fade  
Into this empty shadow I've become  
And now I feel so numb  
I no longer know myself  
But I still know you  
  
I call  
And there's no reply  
Like some phantom cry  
On ears too far away  
  
I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by  
The only thing I see is you  
For all the times you walked the line for me and  
standing by my side  
I say thank you  
Here lies my life  
It never felt real to me  
  
You'll always mean so much to me  
And there's no reply  
And there's no reply  
You'll never know how much you meant to me  
And there's no reply  
And there's no reply  
You'll never know how much you meant to me  
  
If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away  
the pain you feel  
I would  
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth  
could be  
For that, I say thank you  
  
I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by  
The only thing I see is you  
For all the times you walked the line for me and  
standing by my side  
I say thank you  
You in my life  
It all meant so much more  
To me  



End file.
